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<title>"You know my boyfriend. He likes you, thinks you're interesting and," she made a show of pretending to be nauseous, "good." by IntergalacticCrime</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24920263">"You know my boyfriend. He likes you, thinks you're interesting and," she made a show of pretending to be nauseous, "good."</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntergalacticCrime/pseuds/IntergalacticCrime'>IntergalacticCrime</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who &amp; Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:01:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,925</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24920263</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/IntergalacticCrime/pseuds/IntergalacticCrime</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>idk I really want missy to hang out with the paternosters it'd be a laff</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jenny Flint/Madame Vastra</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>"You know my boyfriend. He likes you, thinks you're interesting and," she made a show of pretending to be nauseous, "good."</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I accidentally bought the first missy boxset and it rules man</p><p>I intended on writing something completely different but this happened instead and I had to stop it here otherwise i don't think I would have stopped. I wanted to write something specifically with the lines "you know, I was playing scotland yard detective too" "we don't 'play' detective" but that ended up not happening and this sort of turned into a crack fic which is very off brand but whatevs</p><p>I've barely edited this so it might be incomprehensible</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span> At the impatient rap at the door Jenny slung it open. She looked a bit put out. It was late and she'd been part way through changing into her nightwear. She had to hastily put her hair back up and plastered her best 'it's past nine someone better be dying' face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> The woman at the door posed herself dramatically, leaning on an umbrella positioned just so to catch the sharpest light. Jenny knew the sort, she was married to the sort, and knew this woman was going to be exhausting. Fun though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Missy regarded her. She was already taller than her without the heels, using the extra height to really leer down. "Which one are you?" Missy asked, holding off on any deductive reasoning, she didn't want to step on any toes, after all, but she was fairly sure it wasn't the sontaran who opened the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Which one?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Don't make me work too hard, I've come a very long way. Are you the green one or not?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Wha' d'you think?" So, the woman knew about Vastra, that was enough excuse to drop the pretence a bit. "Do I look green to you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I try not to judge."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Who are you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "A friend."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You're no friend of mine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "But I'd like to be."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I don't even know your name."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Go get your 'ma-dame'," she said, rolling her eyes and bending at the hip some with her air quotations. Jenny decided it was probably better not to question the strange southern American affectation she put on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We usually only take appointments."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "What sort of detective takes appointments? Crime doesn't happen on your schedules you know."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You're right, I'm lying because she won't want guests."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I see why she likes you. Now," Jenny felt her face go cold at the shift in demeanor from the woman in front of her. It was a hell of a switch, looking dead at her, head bowed a little too much so she was glaring at the most threatening angle, "tell her she has a guest who'd she'd very much like to see."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You got a name?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yes, but she won't be familiar with it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You got one she would be familiar with?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Just tell her I'm a friend of the Doctor's."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You are?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yes. Now, scurry on. Do you have a drawing room I can wait in?" she stepped past her and toyed with the swords on the side table in the hallway.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Don't mess with them!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Relax. If I wanted you dead you wouldn't have had time to open the door. Go get your wife."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "What? She's not- We're just-" She gave up and let her shoulders sag. "How'd you know?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Everyone knows. Nobody doesn't know. You never shut up about it. Practically rubbing all our faces in it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Really?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You should be embarrassed about it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> She was, to be fair, embarrassed. "I... I'll go get her. The drawing room is just through here. You aren't gonna make a mess are you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Might."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Please don't, we just got everything repaired."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You always this much of a nag?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yes."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Missy laughed. She didn't want to like Jenny, but she shared the Doctor's weakness for plucky humans, she just tended to bump hers off.</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span> When Jenny returned to their room, Vastra was sitting on the bed, half undressed herself but clearly needing some kind of assistance. Apparently she'd been faffing with her dress the entire time she'd been downstairs. Jenny wanted to say something about how she ought to stop wearing clothes that needed two people to put on, but restrained herself.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You were gone for a while."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yeah. Stand up, I'm gonna need to get your dress back on."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I thought you were going to make them leave." She did as she was told and let Jenny get to work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "She wouldn't go. Insisted on seeing you, it's probably easier to just hear her out rather than try to convince her to come back another time."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "She?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Yeah. Wouldn't tell me her name, just that she was a friend of the Doctor's."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Friend? That doesn't narrow it down."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "She might have been saying it ironically. Something doesn't sit right with me about her."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Doesn't it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "She's dangerous."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "So are we."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "More so than us. By quite a lot too I'd say."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I trust your intuition. We should tread careful- ow! Did you do that on purpose?" she whined when Jenny pulled the strings too tight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Sorry. I was just thinking."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Can you save that for when you aren't dressing me if you're going to crush me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Sorry love."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I'll get my petty revenge."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I'm sure you will." She tied the string carelessly and stuffed it into the corseting of the dress, leaving it tangled unflatteringly  between the gaps. "Now, we should probably see to the guest."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I suppose," she said glumly as Jenny practically pushed her out of their room and to the stairs. "Will you make us tea?" She asked on their way down, just sweetly enough to let her know it was more a request than a question.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "About that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "What?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Jenny was looking dead ahead, brow furrowed in thought, Vastra rarely saw that expression outside of a crime scene. "She seems to know about us."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Really? How? We're so careful."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "That's what I thought!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Interesting." Her own expression mirrored Jenny's. "Do you think </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> should make the tea then?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We don't know that we need to poison her yet. Let's see what she has to say."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "It's not that bad, is it?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Just hurry it up."</span>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <span> "Wait," said Jenny when they got to the drawing room door. "We should be smart about this."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We usually are."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We should be careful. We don't get people who already know about us often and you know how it makes me worry."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You needn't. There have always been unsubstantiated rumours about us. After all, what kind of respectable lady marries a street urchin?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You're not respectable in the slightest."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Exactly, but nobody knows that. We'll be fine."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "If you say so."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I do."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Missy opened the door just as Vastra was about to. Vastra was taller than she had expected, or maybe she was just drawing herself up more in surprise. "These walls aren't soundproof, you know. I could hear you chatting out here for ages. It's very rude to keep a guest waiting."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Our apologies," said Vastra out of habit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You're forgiven, I suppose." She gestured to the seats. "Please, make yourself at home."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> home," snapped Jenny.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "That's the spirit."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Neither of them had a good enough retort and took the invitation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Ma-dame Vas-tra," Missy drawled, leaning uncomfortably close to the silurian. For the first time in recent memory Vastra felt intimidated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You've heard of me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Oh you are a fine young thing." Vastra scoffed, a sound that was caught in her throat when she tilted her chin up and examined her while pursed her lips like she was patronising a child. "People do always say you're a pretty thing. Tell me, are you as smart as they say too?"</span>
</p><p>
  
  <em>
    <span>Pretty? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Vastra saved her own ego a licking by not questioning that statement. "I try not to brag." It was Jenny's turn to scoff, which didn't go unnoticed by Missy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "We all know that's a lie. Even the human one."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "She has a name."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Right right, little human Jenny. Say, are you two really..." she raised her eyebrows, "well, I don't want to be crude." Vastra hissed and removed her chin from her hand in a jerking motion. In retrospect it would have been much more dignified just to pull off her hand. Missy rolled her eyes and Jenny crossed her legs and squeezed the bridge of her nose. She knew this woman was going to be exhausting. "Relax. I'm not here to cause too much trouble."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Then why </span>
  <em>
    <span>are</span>
  </em>
  <span> you here?" Jenny asked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You know my boyfriend. He likes you, thinks you're interesting and," she made a show of pretending to be nauseous, "</span>
  <b>
    <em>good</em>
  </b>
  <span>." Actually, Jenny thought she might have actually been a bit ill at the thought, she was about as green around the gills as Vastra.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I doubt that."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Really? The name 'Doctor' ring a bell?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Vastra's eyes widened for a moment, betraying her poker face. "You're not River."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Missy counted her very lucky that she really was trying not to maim anyone at the moment, fatally or otherwise. "Of course I'm not. I'm not some fling."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Jenny couldn't help but speak, betraying her earlier intention to be careful with this woman. "That man gets around."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "So I've heard," said Missy through her lower molars.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Is that jealousy I detect?" Vastra teased.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> The Timelady seemed to grow at least a few inches taller out of pure haughtiness. "Please. They should be jealous of me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Do you plan on introducing yourself?" asked Jenny, accent coming out in full force at the late hour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Oh right. How rude of me." She seemed genuinely enthusiastic to finally introduce herself, even applauding the occasion. Missy stood up straight and posed again. Vastra had to admit she liked her outfit, very en mode. If this conversation were a more civil one she would have asked we're she got it. "Missy. Formerly 'Master'. You might have heard of me."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I haven't," said Jenny.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Master..." Vastra said to herself. It certainly rang a bell but she had to admit, it was difficult to keep track of all the Doctor's friends and enemies. "The Doctor mentioned you before. I didn't realise you two were-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Sometimes he doesn't either. I don't expect you to understand."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Nor do I."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Seen him recently?" asked Missy, sort of disappointed to be talking about him rather than them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Not for a while, no. He never says if or when he's going to drop in."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "How inconsiderate."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Jenny crossed her arms. She really wasn't sure what to make each of Missy and she didn't like that at all, she was much more used to getting the measure of someone right away and holding steadfast to that first impression. "Bit hypocritical, wouldn't you say?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Do I look like I'm not a hypocrite? I thought you were supposed to be clever."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "You're not human, are you?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Certainly not." She extended her hand to Jenny.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Pleasure to meet you." Jenny hesitated before shaking it. Her hesitation proved to be valid when she took her hand in her own and felt a surge of electricity run up her arm, causing it to spasm and her yelp in pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Vastra stood up immediately at the noise, fists clenched and ready for a fight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "What was that for!?" snapped Jenny, clutching at her hand, staring daggers at the cackling woman in front of them. "That hurt!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span> Missy calmed herself down, still clearly elated however. "I've always wanted to do that." She held up her hand and waved her fingers in a toodle-oo motion, revealing a small electric buzzer. "Can you believe I've never done that before? Me! Green one, you have a go too," she said, offering her hand to her too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I would rather not."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "It's not bad, just a few volts, now you're expecting it you'll hardly notice it."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "I am going to have to refuse your offer- ow!" Missy clapped their hands together regardless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "See, that wasn't so bad."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> In all fairness, it wasn't the worst pain in the world. She sat back down, feeling foolish. "You may have overreacted some, my dear," she said to Jenny, who looked affronted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "It was surprising."</span>
</p><p>
  <span> "Shocking, perhaps?" joked Missy, who was thoroughly enjoying herself.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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